Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
