mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm like, not good at living.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
