I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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