In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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