It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
