don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
