Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
