after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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