oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
