Im at strip club and am horny
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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