My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
