After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
