I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
