did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize