I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
