I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
