dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize
