I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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