I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
