He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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