Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
