He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize