So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
