I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
