I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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