he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Randomize
