I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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