Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Randomize
