You're completely useless in the revolution.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
