First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize