I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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