I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize