i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
