just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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