So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
