I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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