I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
