Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
