watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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