Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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