Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
