If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
