I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
