dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
