im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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