this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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