a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I'm getting married
To pizza
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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