Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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