the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
