So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
