apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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