he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
