Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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