On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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