dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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