Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize