shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
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